Stages of Marriage and Change

A few days ago, I had a great discussion with a number of my friends regarding the stages of marriage, loss, and change. Basically, there was an assertion put forward that marriage and change incur the same cyclic feelings as loss does. The 5 stages of loss (and by extension marriage and change) are as follows:

Stage 1 - Denial
Stage 2 - Anger 
Stage 3 - Bargaining
Stage 4 - Depression
Stage 5 - Acceptance

The idea is that for both men and women (although a few people at the table felt that only men do this and women magically do something different), there is a denial about the change that happens when one enters a marriage or incurs change. The denial is based on the idea that you can have both your former "single" life, and your "married" life as well. I will personally add that there was a lot of deep sorrow placed on the term "married life" and joy placed in the "single life" definition. So you think you have both the same freedoms of being single and the benefits of being married without any of the responsibilities that go along with marriage. This is the first stage.

Exiting the first stage, you have to recognize your responsibilities and face up to them. No you can't do that anymore because it is your turn to make dinner on those days. No you can't spend an evening with your friends because you have to be at home to watch the kids. You get the idea. This eventually leads to the perception of suffocating or loss of control, and that brews anger. When you are at this point, apparently you are now in stage 2.

Stage three was the most fun to listen to... bargaining. Husband says "I'm going out with my friends tomorrow." Wife says "Not if you want sex this week". This is apparently the act of bargaining, and from what I can tell most of my friends aren't very good at it. Mostly, they laugh about it as if it was futile effort of the past, share requests and compromises and how those didn't quite pan out the way they want. I love the fact that the most common bargaining chips tend to be sex and the shared use of a motor vehicles. In any case, I have determined that if I have many of my married friends around, it is always fun to discuss how bargaining works in their relationships!

Depression sets in after you recognize the futility of bargaining. Something has to go, and until you let you you will remain as a "Stage 4" patient. I have seen a few friends go through this, not just in marriage, but in so many relationships. Usually the signs show up as sighs randomly spread out across a conversation, even if the conversation is a fun one. Depression is a sad topic to discuss, as bringing up what was stressing a stage 4 patient still makes them sigh, even if they have progressed through this stage.

Finally, when you resolve the conflict and embrace the change, you move into the last stage... acceptance. You recognize the loss and adopt your new life. When moving into the acceptance phase, many people choose divorce instead of remaining in the marriage. The question when entering stage 5 is: "Do you fight or get divorced?" Either way, you have embraced the changes and adopted your new life.

So my real thoughts here is that any change can lead up to this. With an ideal partner, you should be able to talk about and embrace these changes... work through them as a team. Why not? While you cannot sync with each other or agree on every issue, why can't you talk through things in the bargaining phase. Perhaps both of you bend a little bit. It seems that doesn't seem to be happening very often nowadays. Note that I am far from experienced in these fields, and very much are an idealist. I have been in relationships for years and I don't remember ever having to rectify my single life with my relationship life in any significant depressing way. When I parted from the relationships, it was usually because our futures were not on the same path, or they do not really understand me. Perhaps this is the point... when you have made that choice, and there is no easy way out, then perhaps it is a very different game indeed.

Shortly after having this discussion, I went to a party and talked to two friends who celebrated 24 years of marriage with several kids produced from the relationship. He plays guitar backwards and makes crazy songs... is very driven. She balances him, being much more relaxed, a very good listener, and has no problem working a farm. Their energies really sync. I am sure they have been through some challenges. Still, I saw something here. I don't think these phases were so bad because what they gained from the relationship far outweighed what was lost. They were happier and more fulfilled, and as a result they embraced the changes that were presented to them.

Now, since this will be on my website, and if you happen to be the spouse of anyone who think I was talking with, then I want to absolutely positively assert that your husband or wife wasn't present, and if they were (which you know they were not), then they did nothing but shake their head and stay out of the conversation.